Attending one's first support meeting is frequently a terrifying experience.

The decision to enter a meeting of other gay/bisexual men who are also fathers and [usually] married to the mothers of their children is big step. It is often the first "public" action acknowledging the man's sexual orientation. Crossing the threshold feels as if the man has moved from the straight world into the gay world.

This article describes one older man's trepidations and experiences confronting those fears.

First Steps

One Man’s Journey

I attended my first GFT meeting in September of 2008. I had been involved in a marriage of 30+ years. I have two grown children with whom I have a wonderful relationship. I come from a large close family. I had a successful career, volunteered in the community and have a wide circle of friends. It seemed like a great life. I also had a secret. I was gay.

My marriage had been in trouble for some time for a lot of reasons. One fateful night two months before my first GFT meeting, my wife asked me if I was gay. My first reaction was to say no. It was easier. For some reason which I still am not sure about, I said yes. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to continue living a lie. We went together for counseling and made the decision to end our marriage and remain friends. Announcing our breakup to our children was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

At the same time I found that although I had told my wife I was gay. I now had the challenge of deciding when, how and if I should come out to my children, my family and friends. I realized that also that I needed support from people who might understand at least some of what I was going through. I did a lot of research and made a lot of phone calls. Quite frankly, I found that unless you were suicidal, there seemed to be very few resources available particularly for older men. I remember that time now as being one of confusion, frustration and indeed fear of what would happen to me. In the research, someone gave me the email address for Gay Fathers. I sent an email and got an email back from a man who said that GFT was there to help. He said I could call him to discuss my situation. We set up a time that evening for me to call. At this point, I had come out to two people, my wife and my Doctor. I remember sitting beside the phone for about 20 minutes thinking about what I was going to say. I almost didn’t call.

Fortunately, when I picked up the phone and called the person who answered was among the easiest people to talk with. He answered my questions and he listened. He made me feel that I was not alone. He invited me to attend the next meeting and told me to call him at any time. That conversation gave me hope.

I attended my first GFT meeting about a week later. Attending a meeting with the word GAY in it was the first big step in a new direction for me. At this meeting, there were men at all stages. Some out for many years; some still I the closet. Some had very young children. Others like me had grown kids. I found myself in a supportive and open group of men where the need to hide my sexuality was nonexistent. This in itself was liberating.

Now eight months later, my wife and I have separated. We have an amicable relationship. I have just moved into my own place; attended a couple of parties with people I met at GFT and developed a network of guys like myself who I can share with. I have never met a group of more caring and open individuals.

I have learned valuable lessons at GFT. One of the first was that to be a good parent you must first like yourself. That being gay is a part of who we are; it is not all of us. That although journey can be difficult and painful that many if not most stories do have happy endings. That our children love us and their reactions to our stories often mirror how we see and feel about ourselves.

Since I joined GFT, I have made friends in the group. People who I like and whose opinions I respect. I look forward to the meetings and to the social events. There has not been one meeting where I have not learned something that has helped me feel more positive about myself and my choices. My wife and I remain friends. My next step is to come out to my children.

I feel blessed to have found GFT. From the group I have learned that this is a journey; that the destination is not clear but the directions are mine to chose. I am looking forward to the rest of my journey with excitement. I know I am not alone and that the arrows pointing the way can often be found in the experiences and counsel of others. This is a gift from GFT which I will never be able to repay.

John

2008